I want to leave my mark upon this earth
some sign that I was here
some footprints in the sand
some songs with golden lyrics
some poems with silken words

I want to brand the earth with my
existence
paint a picture with kaleidoscoping colors
write my thoughts across the sky
in a banner of flashing neon letters

I want to leave some sign that I was here
that I existed
some proof that I walked this earth
and breathed this air
and tried to leave something behind
to make this a better world

here I am
poised and ready
to fall
as open and vulnerable
as I can be

poised and ready
for another
heartbreak

oh, there are times,
unguarded moments,
when my face, my eyes,

must tell to anyone watching
my pain
my sorrow
my secrets…

we lazily watch the
jewels ride in
on the crest of each wave,
hypnotized by the lap
and rhythm of the water,
transfixed by patterns
of sunlight
dappling the surface of the lake.
we are
intoxicated by each other’s
presence,
the sun, the water,
the precious sun-warmed
stolen hours.

We walked up to the shore there, him warning me that it was muddy. I stepped lightly, camera bag digging into my shoulder, the mud slipping beneath my tennis shoes. Tip toeing through seventy degree weather, through the heat of their fall sun, reaching the water line. The waves casually moved toward us, lapping at my feet. I croutched, snapping pictures, giddy at the chance at being a tourist. The sound was silence, save the waves and a boat or two in the distance. His fingers ran down my spine, touching me because he seemed to want to, not just because I loved it.

you are my treasure
locked safely
in the unfathomable depths
of my mind
occasionally
a pleasant thought of you
bubbles up to the surface
of my consciousness
and I catch myself smiling
at odd moments
during the day

Insomnia comes back to me, like an old friend. The impossibility to sleep, I won't find a cure, I don't want to. I like it this time of the night when I lay awake, tossing, turning, finally getting up and seeing cold air and empty space. Finding the meaning of alone. The house sleeps this time of the night, the computers rest and the dogs slumber, panting fitfully. Those others in the house, lie still, undisturbed by my movement. Though, I cannot drag myself far from those sheets, from the floor beside my bed. If I rest my hand there, maybe I can still feel the warmth we made. If I lay my head there, maybe I can still hear our breathing, still feel the thrusts, the laughter, your kiss. It seems tonight I can, like the echo following your scream in a cave. As though we dented the very fabric here so that I might reach in and laugh with you, again.

looking down
a plowed field
I see endless furrows
that all must lead to somewhere –
over the next hill
or to a road,
or to the sky at least

looking back
at my life’s choices
narrow rows of decisions
are closing in on me
leading nowhere
leaving me
with such empty spaces inside
and around me
no hills
no roads
and worst of all
no sky

some days it’s easy
loving you
from a distance.
I have my thoughts,
my warm memories,
and I can take you from that place
inside me
whenever I need you
and I feel that sometime
in the future
there will be a day for us.

you
touched my life.
at first you were like soft sunshine
gently warming my skin with your
presence.
you
came like easy ripples
across my clear untroubled pool
of consciousness.

I want
to just fondly
close my eyes
now and then
and for a moment
recall clearly
and tenderly
the feel of your golden skin
the touch of your hand
and just be glad
for what I had of you,
no matter
how brief
it was.

did I just do the most stupid thing in my life
asking you to leave?
the emptiness – the vastness
of this huge hole
in my heart
takes my breath away
I told myself there were so many reasons
why you should go
and now I cannot remember
one of them

he knows me,
like no other.
he knows me.

I watched the sun set
in his eyes once,
when he looked at me.
when he reached for me
and he chose me to reach for.

I met him with my fingertips.

I watched the sun, once,
set in his eyes,
when he looked for me.
he sees me uniquely.
and he is the only one,
that knows how to breathe fire
into me.

will I ever
get past this pain?
will I ever
get past this sorrow
to some place in my life
when I can just look back
and smile
when I remember you?

let me be
the island
in your wind-tossed sea
let me be
the eye
in the center of your storm
let me be
all things
calm and peaceful in your life
let me just be with you
in a warm circle of silence
needing no words
just smiles and touches
and soft sighs

I am always surprised
afterwards
that your fingerprints
don’t show on my skin
in a telling pattern
leaving a message
for all to see
changing me
for all to notice
saying to the world
in bold print:
I have touched this lady!
I have loved her!
she is mine!

marvelous sun
you are
warm and honey-golden
and delicious at noon-time.
but your best moments
are the ones in which
you come pink and pearl-clean at
dawn
and go rosy and ripe at dusk.

oh, let me savor
these magic moments with you
always too brief, so fleeting
hold me close,
so close I’ll never stop
feeling your body against mine
whisper sweet things to me
so many times
that I’ll never stop
hearing your voice in my ear

you ask me if I love you…
how can I reply
so that you will
fully understand…
I will try to fold my meager
words
around you;
I will try to draw you
a word picture
so that I can show you
the magnitude
of my caring…

I get through the days okay
busy at work
rushing home
chores to do
my pets to care for
I even treasure the evening time
alone
the remote is mine
everything is in its place
the silence in the house
de-stresses me
from the busy-ness of the day

here I am
left alone with my details,
the trivia of my life.

things
that used to matter so much
are now
like worthless dust
coating everything
hiding it from view.

my dreary details
that I used to involve myself in
through every endless day
are nothing.
I told you nothing would matter to me
if you left me.

you’re so determined
to leave me;
you’re so sure you want
to be on your way.
are you sure you won’t
miss me?
are you sure what we have here
isn’t something special?
are you sure you can find someone
out there
who loves you more
than I do?

you understood
you absorbed it all
you helped to ease the pain
you purred your continuous
unending unchanging song
telling me that life goes on
some things are constant
but pain will go away
or diminish
and love continues

despair is riding deep within my bones
today
today I question everything I’ve ever
done
everything I’ve ever believed

autumn is here and winter on its heels
the sky is gray
low-hung with torment
and so is my heart

yesterday
I loved you
and thought I was loved back

was only a word –
I never knew what it meant before.

being alone
I’d gotten used to.

but now,
after being with you –

LONELY
is a void,
a vacuum,
a chasm like the grand canyon,
an emptiness
that fills my whole world

LONELY
is a word
that echoes endlessly
in my mind
like a silent scream

the sky
is black and blue
like a bruise.

clouds move swiftly;
a storm is building,
ready to unleash
torrents of rain and wind.

inside myself
I feel pressure building.
I have tried to be brave
and suffer in silence,

but my rage, my hurt,
my anger are clamoring
to be heard.
my heart is black and blue
bruised from your handling.

Spring came
while I spent the day inside.

going out
in early evening,
expecting dingy snow banks,

I was startled
by the perfect reflection
of the sky
in a new puddle
in my driveway.

I’m afraid
it is written
all over me
in flashing neon letters –
my burning, aching,
desperate desire for you

I’m afraid
the whole world
can see it in my eyes –
my naked need
for you

come touch me
trace one fingertip
down my forehead,
along my nose,
touch my lips,
cradle my chin

touch my heart
and feel its wanting

feel in my soul
the desperate sadness

stir in me somewhere
the will and the nerve
to love
again

there’s no excuse for Teddy
no reason for his existence
he serves no real purpose
perhaps he just represents a glimpse
into the finer things of life
the difference between light and shadow
that creates an unforgettable photo
the sound between silence and noise
that creates a memorable song
perhaps he just reminds us
of all the exquisite parts of life
a breath of air in the spring
the thrill of a spring thunderstorm
the feeling of riding a horse at a mad gallop
the loud throbbing that fills your head
the feel of the air sweeping past your face
the sight of stars and moon on a clear night
honesty and integrity
dance and music
poetry and prose
the arts
or just anything simple and sweet
that makes you smile
and glad to be alive
to experience this moment